Christmas cookies

Dear Dan,

I love the picture of you picking the cookies up off the floor. It makes me laugh to think I was talking to you on the phone at that time. It's almost like there was a connection and I didn't disappear from your life. It was a bit of a shock and yes, it hurt, that no one in KC even knew you had a sister.

I guess you kept all the different parts of your life separate from each other.

One year when I was in college I was so depressed one Christmas. I couldn't really have our usual tree because Scott had recently married Cathy and Nikki was a very young child. I was living upstairs and they were living downstairs.

You didn't want me to be depressed so you went out and bought me a tree that I could have in my room. I thought that was the most wonderful thing ever! I just wonder why you never let me try to help you.

Bad day

Dear Dan,

Today is a particularly bad day. I was scanning a photo of you last evening.The one with the Christmas cookies. This morning I drove to work and parked in the parking garage on Pugh Street. I never park in a parking garage that I don't think of you, of course, but today all I could think of was "What were Dan's thoughts in planning this?" "What was Dan thinking as he walked to the garage?" "Did Dan use the elevator or climb the stairs?" "What was Dan thinking as he climbed over the retaining wall?" "Was Dan crying?" "Did he change his mind after he jumped?" "What was his last thought?"

This line of thinking on my part is the worst thing I can do. It doesn't honor your life and it sends me into a downward spiral.

And then I cry.

What a dream I had

Dear Dan,

Last night I had a dream about you. We were in NYC. I heard that you were intending to jump off the Empire State Building. People were panicking and I told everyone to calm down. I said it was your decision but 1) there is fencing all over the top floor 2) you might try a lower floor than the Observation deck so 3) call the police and alert them plus 4) let's get there now!

I think this was quite a combination of things. I've been thinking of you, of course. A day hasn't gone by that I don't think of you. We're getting closer to closing on the apartment. I think the trip to Sam's Club with Ruth had something to do with it as well. There was the combination of her brother's suicide, the cameras and computers plus, as I said, a day doesn't go by that I don't think of you.

And I smile, mostly.

Big News!

Dear Dan,

I got an email from our lawyer today. Your estate has been registered in PA. That means mom and I will (hopefully) be able to own the apartment outright!

Gary sent the deed to be approved and looked over by Harley. As soon as Harley sends it back we can get the contract signed and the property paid off.

Mom and I already paid off the mortgages to avoid foreclosure so both lawyers say we essentially own the apartment except for the paperwork.

YEA!!!

Reflection

Dear Dan,

I have been reflecting on yesterday's election and those of years past. There are several reasons I'm sorry you aren't here for this moment in history.

First for the obvious - you aren't here and you should be. Period.

Second - for all the work you did for the Democratic party. All the work you did for Joe, Clinton, McGovern, all candidates, local and national.

Third - you were a supporter for Jesse Jackson back in the day. You had the right idea but the wrong candidate. Jesse was in the crowd last night, weeping for joy. Even though Jesse and Barack had issues, there is still so much for Jesse to be proud of in his fight along the way.

McCain was gracious in defeat and I can see the attitude and spirit that made me respect him even though I don't agree with him.

Barack, Michelle and the children are going to be an amazing representation of our country.

And Dan, when you talk to Toot, please tell her how much mom and I adore her grandson. Please tell her we're sorry she isn't here as well.

I love you, bro.

From my "myspace" page on July 26, 2007

"Daniel, My Brother
Current mood: gutted, devastated

To my dear brother:

I miss you. All the color has gone out of the world; the music has stopped and all laughter has ceased. My heart has been shattered. I know your pain is over. I wish you peace.

My pain has just begun and will have no end."

Dear Dan,

I wrote that the "day after." I still feel that way. There are days where I almost forget that you're no longer in this world; when I feel like I can pick up the phone and call. Then it all comes crashing back.

I used to call for advice. Since I can no longer do that I think back to the time I did and then ask myself "What would Dan say about this?" I fee calm come over me and then I can look at the situation with reason and logic.

Other days it's still completely overwhelming. I can't help but wonder how we got here.

I love you. I miss you. I pray you find peace. I hope you have already.

The back story

On July 25, 2007 Dan had a friend drive him to a bar in downtown Kansas City. At about 10:30 PM local time, Dan got out of the car, waited for the driver to pull away and walked about 15 minutes to a parking garage. On the top level - the seventh floor - Dan climbed on the wall and jumped.

At 5:00 AM the police came to mom's door and notified her. She called me and said the police were there looking for Dan. I lived at the back of her condo building so I told her I would be there right away. I grabbed my phone, called Dan and got his voicemail. I left a message saying the police were there, please call ASAP and asking "What the hell are you into? Let me know what I can do to help."

There was a knock on my door. A police woman was there. I told her to come on in while I grabbed my shoes. She came in and told me she had something to tell me before we went to mom's. That's when she told me Dan jumped. I looked at her and waited. She didn't say anything. I asked "Is he alive?" I was expecting to hear he was in the hospital in KC and in my mind I was already making plans to take care of him. The police woman said "No."

And that, my friends, is when the world crashed to a halt.

It still amazes me that no one else heard the crashing sound. No one else felt the earth slam on its brakes. How is it that people were still asleep and didn't know the world ended?

For the past 14 months I've been dealing with this loss and all the emotion and legal issues that accompany death. Sometimes well and sometimes not.

This is my life with and without Dan.