Photos

Dear Dan,

My new office looks nice. The guys from OPP came and hung some of your photos for me. The truck photos have been very popular with people stopping by. It's funny -- some of the reactions -- since those are not girly photos. I also have the tri-fold with one additional photo sitting on my file cabinet. The frog at the preserve in Costa Rica and the carousel horse with the Eiffel Tower are on the bookcase. Above that are two more of your photos: the green door and the lion door knocker from The Dom. I also have the digital frame on my desk. It scrolls through a lot of the photos you took.

I'm thinking about making a print of Western Auto and framing that for in here too. I saved a few others for home -- like the women in the store window. I think I might also make a print of the stockings in Amsterdam for home as well.

I can keep you around me all the time. These photos make me smile.

Organ donation

Dear Dan,

I know you wanted to donate your organs. I got a call from the organ donation group in KC the day after you committed suicide. The woman on the other end was very nice. She was very delicate in describing the organs that could possibly be "harvested," depending on the damage done when you landed.

At that point I was so hopeful that something good could be salvaged from the situation. She mentioned the type of testing that would be done before the organs were donated. Of course I thought AIDS testing was a good idea. At that point she asked if you were gay. Apparently the FDA does not allow transplant from anyone with a history of any homosexual activity. None at all.

That's when I asked Brian point blank. I told him we always "knew" but   that you hadn't "come out" to us. Of course not. No more than you would have "come out" that your eyes were brown.

I called the woman back  and told her we had confirmation. That I was sorry but we could not donate your organs. One or two people would not see because they would not have your corneas. Two people would have to wait for other heart valves. You would not be donating bone marrow and helping someone with leukemia.

I understand the problem. My head tells me that the AIDS tests cannot tissue. My head tells me that you can test negative for viral load if you are on certain cocktails.

However, my heart tells me that they were rejecting my dear, now dead, brother. His last wish would not be granted. Almost as if he wasn't good enough!

As if your death was not heartache enough.

The back story

On July 25, 2007 Dan had a friend drive him to a bar in downtown Kansas City. At about 10:30 PM local time, Dan got out of the car, waited for the driver to pull away and walked about 15 minutes to a parking garage. On the top level - the seventh floor - Dan climbed on the wall and jumped.

At 5:00 AM the police came to mom's door and notified her. She called me and said the police were there looking for Dan. I lived at the back of her condo building so I told her I would be there right away. I grabbed my phone, called Dan and got his voicemail. I left a message saying the police were there, please call ASAP and asking "What the hell are you into? Let me know what I can do to help."

There was a knock on my door. A police woman was there. I told her to come on in while I grabbed my shoes. She came in and told me she had something to tell me before we went to mom's. That's when she told me Dan jumped. I looked at her and waited. She didn't say anything. I asked "Is he alive?" I was expecting to hear he was in the hospital in KC and in my mind I was already making plans to take care of him. The police woman said "No."

And that, my friends, is when the world crashed to a halt.

It still amazes me that no one else heard the crashing sound. No one else felt the earth slam on its brakes. How is it that people were still asleep and didn't know the world ended?

For the past 14 months I've been dealing with this loss and all the emotion and legal issues that accompany death. Sometimes well and sometimes not.

This is my life with and without Dan.